I wrote a major post yesterday, My Manifesto (Part 2), that went out to several lists as well. In it I describe the incredible euphoria and sense of accomplishment I feel about all these changes, as I feel my interest in “peak performance” and in creating everyday altered states of consciousness is beginning to have success.
I am realizing today however, that to achieve one-time states of “peak performance” is one thing, to do it consistently and in balance with the rest of one’s life is quite another. So I am making a very deliberate attempt to slow down this coming weekend, and also to lay off the internet a bit and just focus on connecting with people one-on-one and on the phone. It is time.
In line with the above, Rebekah has been extremely stressed, depressed and quite miserable lately, both in terms of herself and with me, and finally this morning she called and apologized. I told her that I had no doubt in my mind that I was being an arrogant, unbearable prick, full of myself and my new-found confidence and sense of power, so not to worry too much about it. I think that this is where the balancing effect of the feminine comes in and where it can serve me to stay connected with her:
“Men without women tend to be flat, boring and outwardly destructive; women without men tend to be unfocussed, emotionally self-indulgent and self-destructive” - David Deida (paraphrased)
Certainly true in my case. I also need to say, for the record, that to be reporting this level of depth of changes in consciousness and in lifestyle after such a brief time (11 days) is really, really far-out, and it’s normal that I would be a little hyped-out about it.
I also realized this morning that what I have been about, essentially, is attempting to find an audience (a market) for my writing, which is in a style I call “personal transformational writing”. I have been putting my articles out all over the place, to mixed reviews and to the annoyance of several friends who landed on my personal list through no effort of their own and therefore feel forced to read my drivel, and I have taken this a bit personally, but what I am realizing now is that personal transformation of the kind that I am playing with is just not everyone’s cup of tea, and I need to continue reaching out until I do find an audience which is aligned with me. This is just how it works, no shame and no blame.
